"The laughter died out on his face, and very seriously he asked, "Do you love me enough to be able to trust me completely, Much-Afraid?" She looked at him in the usual startled fashion...."You know that I do love you Shepherd, as much as my cold little heart is capable. You know that I love you and that I long to trust you as much as I love you, that I long to love and trust you still more." "Would you be willing to trust me, he asked, even if everything in the whole wide world seemed to say that I was deceiving you-indeed that I had deceived you all along?" She looked at him in perplexed amazement. "Why yes, she said. I'm sure I would, because one thing I know to be true, it is impossible that you should tell a lie. It is impossible that you should decieve me. I know that I am often very frightened at the things which you ask me to do, she added shamefacedly and apologetically, but I could never doubt you in that way. I'ts myself I am afraid of, never of you and though everyone in the world should tell me that you had deceived me, I should know it was impossible." "Much-Afraid, supposing I really did deceive you? What then?" It was her turn to be quite silent; trying to grasp this impossible thing he was suggesting and to think what her answer would be. What then? Would it be that she could never trust, never love Him again? Would she have to be alive in a world where there was no Shepherd, only a mirage and a broken lovely dream?....To lose him? Suddenly. She BURST into a passion of weeping..."MY LORD, if you can deceive me, you may! It can make no difference. I must love you as long as I continue to exist. I cannot LIVE without loving you." -Hannah Hurnard
Unlike most people, or LIKE ALL people who are desperately trying to get pregnant, and tracking every single thing that can possibly be tracked, Andis and I found out we were expecting uncannily early. Like two weeks. In fact, we were so early that our first ultrasound was a perfect picture of a happy, healthy and VERY EMPTY uterus. Insert furrowed brow, here. All things considered; our rocky baby history, how early it was, how empty my uterus still was, it would have been appropriate, like most normal people, to wait until the 'safe' 12-16 weeks before we started making baby announcements. If there's anything you've realized about us by now it's that you won't find 'normal' next to our names in the dictionary. So, true to irrational, passionate, spastic form, we waited 12-16 minutes. It started with a few close friends and family members and then it trickled to cousins and co-workers and then the lady at 7-11 and our realtor and our realtors sister and then the neighbors and then Edward at the post office and the brotherhood of fire fighters' and from there, to infinity and beyond. You see, despite my seemingly empty uterus and the rocky baby history and all the 'shouldn'ts' and 'not a good ideas' and 'maybe you should think about this's', my joy could not be contained. That's the thing about joy. It's sticky. If it catches you, it's REALLY difficult to shake even though that cloud of fear you feel is still hanging from your shoulders. Joy has a way of shining right through that cloud; like the sunshine after a thunderstorm. Doesn't mean the clouds disappear entirely, just means the sun is stronger. And so it was. My joy was more overwhelming than my fears. It couldn't be contained. And it couldn't be contained because joy in my world isn't a fleeting feeling but rather a philosophy; a choice, every day to BELIEVE, HOPE and TRUST in a GOOD GOD. "The Lord is my strength and my shield; in HIM my heart TRUSTS, and I am helped. My heart exults and with my song I give thanks to Him." Psalm 28:7 Do I always feel like trusting? No. Do I always feel like giving thanks when I'm in pain? No. But when I make that choice, I am helped and I am helped by being given the strength to find abundant joy that no amount of fear can snuff out. "Great peace have those who love your law, nothing can make them stumble." Psalm 119:165
You know it was difficult losing a baby several years ago after we had told friends and family. I was embarrassed, ashamed, and spent several months afterwards wanting to crawl into a deep, dark hole and disappear because the pain seemed too much to bear. Some of those memories still haunt me and at times have caused me to be a 'tad' OCD when it comes to aches, pains and random cramps, but are the memories of that pain enough to keep me quiet? HECK NO. That's the thing about pain right? It's easy to remember what it looked like, felt like, how it made us act, but when we think back on it, it's impossible to REALLY FEEL it like we did before. For example. My most painful moment after that situation was on Valentine's Day; 7 short days after I ended up with barely a pulse on an operating table. I had been sliced open in no delicate fashion and every single thing I tried to do induced a level of physical pain that I had not yet experienced. Walking, sitting, laying, rolling over, peeing, coughing; you name it, it hurt. And on top of that, every moment of physical pain reminded me of my empty belly and my aching heart which brought on the throes of emotional pain that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Yeah, life was not awesome then. But on that particular day, the day of Hallmark induced romance, the day that Andis and I had both sworn off permanently until we met and had our very first date 4 years earlier, I found Andis, in our kitchen, whipping up some amazing gourmet creation and telling me to stay on the couch, he would call me when it was ready. You see, I had gotten lost in a cloud of sleep, pain and vicodin over the last week and didn't realize it was Valentine's Day. And I panicked because I had nothing for him. I had no card, no special cologne, no homemade coupon book, no love letter, no lingerie. I had none of that.....and I had no baby. I felt like the ultimate failure. And usually when I find myself with nothing to give I'm pretty good about faking it, but as I sat on the couch with a crayon (the only writing utensil I could find; Go Figure.) and a torn piece of notebook paper with an old grocery list on the back of it, in an attempt to make a card or write a love letter of sorts, I realized I didn't even have the words . If I could have ripped out my bleeding heart and peeled back the layers and shown him that buried under all of that pain and anger and loss and vicodin was a love for him so pure, so powerful that St. Valentine had nothing on me, I would have. But open heart surgery is not my forte and even if it was, I might have been concerned that all we would find was not the big, perfect, red heart you see in cartoons but a small, shrively, barely pumping blood sad and angry heart in it's place. And I wept. I looked in the mirror at my swollen face, my wet hair, my tshirt and pj pants, no bra wearing self with my crayon written meager attempt at a love letter and I wept. Because it was painful. And to be honest as I recall that moment several years ago, I find myself tearing up at the thought of it, but no matter how hard I try it is IMPOSSIBLE for me to RE-FEEL the pain of that moment. Does the possibility of losing this baby and being there again scare me? YES, YES, YES. Does is scare me so much that it stops me from laughing in delight and shouting in joy that we are going to have a baby and TRUSTING God that everything will work out how it's supposed to?! NO WAY. "So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and NO ONE will take your joy from you." John 16:22
I trust him because I love Him. And because I trust Him, I have joy no matter what the future holds. It bursts through the clouds and shines through the pain, everytime.
So if you're day of joy is yet to come, just remember...."He will yet fill your mouth with laughter, and your lips with shouting." Job 8:21
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