A Way to Devour.

"Be clear headed. Keep alert. Your ACCUSER, the devil, is on the prowl like a roaring lion, seeking a way to devour." 1 Peter 5:8 

September 7 should be deleted from the calendar. It is by far the worst day in the history of worst days in my world. It will only ever signify destruction and death to me. And apparently a good bit of the rest of the world feels the same way considering the following events have also taken place on Sept. 7 sometime in history.

1921-Continued unrest in the mining industry.
1934-Submarine Price Fixing around the world.
1940-Germany starts it's blitz on London with 57 nights of consecutive bombing.
1942-Staligrad turned into a fortress city to defend Russia from German troops.
1955-Hurrican Gladys pounds Texas coastline and Hurricane Flora on her way.
1978-Kennedy investigation re-opened.
1979-Chrysler 1 billion dollar bail out.
1984-Salmonella outbreak leaves 500 people affected in UK.
1992-South African soldiers fire on demonstrators killing 24.
1993-A significant increase in Jamaican crime is documented.
1996-Tupac Shakur Shot.
1999-Greece experiences a 5.9 earthquake that leaves 150 dead.
2004-Hurrican Ivan destroys 90% of Grenada and leaves 92 dead.
2006-Mining disaster in Russian kills 21.
2007-Truck crash in India leaves 85 dead.
2008-Fannie and Freddie taken over by government.

2011-Plane crash kills 42 members of the Russian Professional Hockey team.

2011-Major flooding on the East coast due to Tropical Storm Lee.

Now to be FAIR, the UK Lusitania sets a trans-atlantic record, Mark McGwire hits his 62nd home run beating the most revered baseball record in history, and the DOW has record one-day gains on this day in history ALSO, but that hardly holds a candle to how the hearts of people around the world have been maimed for decades on this day in history.

And my story isn't much different. Not only was Sept. 7 the day that Andis and I lost our sweet baby girl to a random and unlikely infection in the placenta this past year, but it was also the day that I chose to end the life of another baby, 16 years ago, in a small abortion clinic in Austin, Tx.

You see I was THAT girl. The sweet and innocent preacher's daughter turned rebel; wheels spinning, hormones raging, searching for God, searching for acceptance, searching for identity, searching for anything that meant anything. And I found it in the front seat of my mom's minivan with a blonde haired, blue eyed neighborhood boyfriend who probably would have married me if I had let him. He was good. He was honest. He was kind. But he was a boy and I was a girl and we were in love and when his parents were asleep and we thought the world and God weren't looking, we pretended we were adults. And in 7 seconds, the course of our destiny was altered beyond our fathomable comprehension. The weeks and months after that were a blur. Because really how else do you cope with existence in a space where the zit on your best friend's chin and prom dress shopping are the priority when the life of a child, your child, despite what they tell you, hangs in the balance of your tortured heart. But still it wasn't enough. The truths I was taught as a young girl wasn't enough. The compassion, empathy and love I felt for that baby wasn't enough. The determination and strength I had as a hard working teen wasn't enough. The boyfriend who would have married me on the spot and done his best to be a good father wasn't enough. None of it was enough when held up to the light of my selfish, sinful heart.  And so, on a sunny day in September I made the only decision I knew how to make at that point in my life. A selfish one.

But that is not what this story is about. This story is about my Great Accuser; the one who prowls around my life and my heart like a roaring lion, constantly seeking a way to devour me. He who cannot be named, Satan, the Devil, whatever you want to call him, he's real and he's more powerful than you can ever imagine. You see I've held the guilt of that story in my heart for 16 years. I've worn it like the scarlet letter on Hester Prynne's chest, or rather, worn it in secret, over my heart like the Reverend's tatoo; seared over scar tissue on a nightly basis, but it wasn't until I lost a baby, and then another and then another and then another that I started to really feel the effects of that guilt and the way it could be used against me. And though I've never seen him, or met him or heard his voice, I feel his lies creep up and into and around my heart like choking vines determined to smother out any shred of life and truth and hope that exists there. "Of course you can't get pregnant Whitney. Did you think for a moment you could? You gave up your chance when you murdered your unborn living breathing child at 12 weeks, 16 years ago. That was an opportunity God gave you to rise above and be holy and you threw it away. You don't deserve to be a mother. You are only and always will be a murderer. And that baby you just lost, the one you held in your hands wishing you could breathe life back into its frail body looked just like the one you WILLINGLY had torn to shreds, ripped limb from limb and sucked out of the safety of your womb through a vacuum hose, locked in a canister and tossed in the garbage. In faaaaactttt, it wasn't much younger so the 'embryo' that you thought didn't have an identity or a nose or eyelashes or fingers, DID actually. You know the one that you thought was too young to feel pain or know what was happening, well, actually, it DID. I made sure of it. Just like I'm making sure that you remember exactly what it felt like, sounded like. That you know and will always know that it was YOUR decision, you made it and no one else. You are a murderer. You have been for 16 years and you will be until the day you die. You don't deserve to be a mother. You are worth nothing." 

"Mother," said little Pearl, "the sunshine does not love you. It runs away and hides itself, because it is afraid of something on your bosom...It will not flee from ME, for I wear nothing on my bosom yet!" 
"Nor ever will you, my child, I hope," said Hester.
"And why not, mother?" asked Pearl, stopping short...."Will it not come of its own accord, when I am a woman grown?"

It's easy to believe. Who wouldn't? It does seem to be the truth after all. But THANK GOD for September 8th and the new story that it brings.