A Seed is Planted.

"Let’s start at the very beggginnnninnnnng! A very good place to starrrrrt,” (in my best Julie Andrews from the Sound of Music voice).

 

After having an ectopic pregnancy in 2010, Andis and I were uncertain that we would ever be able to get pregnant. We didn’t worry about it much then as we were both knee deep in a house remodel and pretty demanding careers, but of course it was always a present thought in the back of our hearts and minds. And as the ticking of our biological clocks would ebb and flow, we would find ourselves wondering just what WOULD our future family end up looking like? Andis and I both determined early on in our relationship that one day we would adopt and like most people who haven’t had to put a lot of thought into it, we assumed we would have a few biological children and then adopt a few after that. It’s not that we wouldn’t have done it any other way; we just hadn’t been faced with having to think about it any other way.  

 

So we didn’t actively TRY to get pregnant but we didn’t actively NOT TRY either and after about three years of it just not happening for us, we decided it was time to get busy; in every sense of the word. Taking temperatures and making healthy choices and boxers vs. briefs and lots of yams and reading the blogs and praying the prayers and you know, the other stuff. A month went by and two months and four months and six months and we noticed our glances were becoming more anxious, our palms a tad sweaty. So after a few doctor appointments and a few discussions we decided that if we weren’t pregnant by October we would take it to the next level so to speak. We didn’t know exactly what that meant but we tried to push the ‘what-ifs’ aside and we just prayed harder. “Lord please bless us with a baby! Lord, please let me get pregnant. Lord, I know you can do it, we need a little help here.” And then came the more desperate prayers, “Looooooorrrrrddddd. Are you even freaking listening? Good grief. Throw me a bone here. I can’t be the ONLY woman in Smithville without a baby. Or I guess I CAN, but I reeealllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy don’t want to be. You’re killing me Bigs. C’mon already.”

 

And every now and then, when the desperation would really sit in, we would take a step back from the mental picture of the family that WE wanted and ask ourselves….what if? “What if this isn’t the plan? What if, because we’re so focused on this particular path to children, a world of possibility is passing us right by?” And so, like a stranger in the middle of the night, Adoption came knocking and we hesitantly let him in.

 

ADOPTION. It almost felt like bad word. Like saying it out loud meant we had given up…or worse, meant that God wasn’t going to come through for us. Which really only ever means that God might not be giving you what you want, when you want it and how you want it. We all of a sudden became excruciatingly uncomfortable with the idea. This great philanthropic thing that we always KNEW we would do for YEARS all of a sudden felt like a very real and necessary option on a dwindling list of options. But still, we were three months out from ‘D-day’ so we convinced ourselves that “It couldn’t hurt to get certified”, “We could always choose not to adopt” or “We could still get pregnant. You never know! People try for WAY longer than we have.” Then there was, “Maybe we could foster! You know; commit to a child who is not our own without really committing…just in CASE we get pregnant.” But we didn't make a move.

 

And so it goes when you fight against the dreams, plans and purposes secretly planted in your heart from the beginning of time. And all the while you ask yourself, 'WHY can't I stop THINKING about this?' I remember my exact moment of surrender as clear as a bell. In church on a Sunday, enveloped by the voices of worship around me, I just gave it up. I offered up my family, my children; the images of the babies of my dreams on the altar of self-sacrifice and I GRIEVED for them. I typically try to hold back the tears in public; actually, no, that's a lie. I don't do that. And this time was not any different. Behind closed eyes in a private sanctuary all my own I met God, shared my doubts, fears, hopes and wishes and gave him the peice of my heart that I had been holding back for so long; the heart-shaped locket part that held the picture of family I thought I would have. And other than the streaks of mascara on my cheeks, you wouldn't have noticed that anything was different but in the 3 minutes and 30 seconds of that song EVERYTHING changed.  And what do you know, when I opened my eyes and looked through the clear lense of surrender and peace, what did I see before me but the backs of four of the most precious heads I've ever seen; obviously siblings, obviously adopted and obviously passionately loved by a mother and father that had not known them since birth. And just like that, in the blink of an eye, without even my knowledge, the seed started to grow. 

 

So like adolescents at their first school dance, we timidly and with much reserve signed up for our first information class on fostering/adoption. We hadn't talked at length about what we had hoped to find but we were definitely interested in a baby. That's what all first time parents want right? Babies with a capital B! Not much else makes sense afterall. So our class was scheduled for a Tuesday but we never actually made it. We didn't make it because the Sunday before we found out we were pregnant! We. Were. ELATED. And just like that, we put the adoption book back on the shelf. And as we began to praise God for blessing OUR plans, we didn't realize that a plan much larger than ours, His plan, had begun to slowly unfold.  

Mark 4, 1-9

"Again Jesus began teaching by the lake. A great crowd gathered around him, so he sat down in a boat near the shore. All the people stayed on the shore close to the water. Jesus taught them many things, using stories. He said, "Listen! A farmer went out to plant his seed. While he was planting, some seed fell by the road and the birds came and ate it up. Some seed fell on rocky ground where there wasn't much dirt. That seed grew very fast, because the ground was not deep. But when the sun rose, the plants dried up because they did not have deep roots. Some other seed fell among thorny weeds, which grew and choked the good plants. So those plants did not produce a crop. Some other seed fell on good ground and began to grow......."