A Seed Begins to Grow.

NOTE: If you haven't read the first part of this story, A Seed is Planted, you can find it here:

http://whitneygoble.blogspot.com/2013/11/a-seed-is-planted.html


And so Andis and I be-bopped along for four and a half blissful months of pregnancy (well, maybe not ENTIRELY blissful) without sparing even a moment to think about, consider, and pray over the adoption seed that God planted in our hearts. At ONE point I asked him if he had thought about adoption since we had gotten pregnant to which he replied, "Yep.", to which I replied, "Me too.", and then we shrugged our shoulders and continued be-bopping along the rosey path toward parenthood. Which is what MOST people do who are getting what they want at the time. Regardless, all was right with our world. And then that world came crashing down around our heads when we lost our baby on Sept. 7th to a placental infection. You can read more about that, here:

http://whitneygoble.blogspot.com/2013/10/the-elephant-in-room.html

And you know, when you experience tragedy of any sort, the first question you always ask yourself, God and those around you, is....WHY?! Why me? Why this now? Why this way? (Ani Difranco) As if the happening of it in itself demands an explanation from someone, somewhere. Often times though we don't get an explanation nor do we ever come even remotely close to an answer that satisfies. God doesn't speak to us like he did way back when; with straight up answers and burning bushes and fiery clouds and booming voices and angel messengers. And I'm pretty OK with that. I think I would die of a heart attack if he actually DID respond to me shaking my fist at him and demanding answers. As far as I'm concerned, I'm better off that he ignores my three year old tantrums for now. So when we don't KNOW, we fall back on what we DO KNOW. And what Andis and I did know during that time is that God says this: "I KNOW the plans I have for you. They are plans for GOOD and NOT for disaster. To give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 And that answer was enough for us. Did it hurt? YES. Were we confused? YES. Did it seem unfair? YES, YES, YES. Of course, being HUMAN, in our finite though stubborn minds, we still tried to 'connect the dots' if you will which was probably part of the plan all along. Because without direct, booming voice from the sky communication, how else does God have to communicate with us but to woo us, clue by clue, step by step, down the path He is clearing for us; the path that leads to His infinite and inexplicable love, grace and blessings.

I remember when I first said it out loud. "Maybe we lost this baby so that there would be room in our hearts to adopt an older child; one that probably has a slim chance of being adopted." Andis and I were driving to my parents' house the day that we lost our baby girl. I was in that safe space; the space between harrowing trauma and the settling in stage; the fuzzy, snuggly, surreal space. The lots of vicodin space. It's only when you're in that space that you can say stuff like that. Drugs tend to do that, but a combination of drugs, adrenaline, exhaustion and shock remove all barriers completely. It really is quite nice considering. I had more clarity and peace in those few hours than I did for weeks afterwards. See Andis and I were actually doing really well considering we had lost a child a mere eight hours prior. In fact, we were surprised at how successfully we were grieving together. Though it felt weird and a tad inappropriate to compare the loss of our child to the loss of our dog, we were confident that if we hadn't suddenly lost our sweet boy, our dog Jackson, six months before we wouldn't be doing near as well as we were. He was our first significant loss together as a couple and I KNOW the experience prepared us for the level of compassion, tenderness, communication and love that we would need to get through this loss. So naturally, thinking about the loss of Jackson as compared to the loss of our child, led me to think of the almost too immediate ADOPTION of our 12 year old arthritic, inside pooping, wax filled ears, non listening, non obeying, incessant barking precious dog Snoopy who looks JUST like Jackson and who would have lived his geriatric days out in a 5x5 concrete cell instead of on an orthopedic bed in a warm, loving home- had Jackson not died of lymphoma a few weeks before. You can read more about that story, HERE:

http://whitneygoble.blogspot.com/2013_08_01_archive.html

And whether or not the connection was intentional or purely conincidental, the effects of that simple conversation began to lay the foundation of a journey whose path was, at that point, shrouded by grief and loss.

"...some other seed fell on good ground and began to grow. It got taller and began to produce...Some plants made thirty times more, some made sixty times more and some............."