And then there were Three.

"Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but THEN we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but THEN I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely." 1 Corinthians 13:12

I feel like I've been hit by a MACK truck. Actually, no, that's not good enough. I feel like Mike Tyson has sucker punched me, bitten my ear off and then his pet robot warrior has picked me up and thrown me in FRONT of a MACK truck and after a few forwards and reverses over my crumpled, pancake flattened like body, I have been peeled off of the sidewalk and flicked into the Atlantic and now the below freezing waves are washing over my body and cementing this pain into my cells like memories.

Sam, the third piece of our four child puzzle, has been placed with an adoptive family. And it's not us.

If our caseworker wasn't so tiny and cute and lovable and amazing I might have tried to pitch her right out the door like an unwanted salesperson interrupting dinner, last night when she delivered this crushing blow. We KNEW this was a possibility. We did. But sometimes knowing a thing doesn't prevent the overwhelming pain of a thing. And of course, as we were putting on brave faces and blinking back tears and choking on the worst news of the month from across our kitchen table; the table that has the perfect amount of chairs for a family of SIX, not five; we asked the same questions as you are probably asking now.

WHY would they break up a sibling group when there is a couple who wants ALL OF THEM?!?! How could they DO THAT?! Who could possibly be better for him than US? What are their names and where do they live and how can I make them DISAPPEAR? And what about his sisters? What will they do without HIM? Oh. My. Gosh......his SISTERS.  How must they be feeling right now? Knowing that their brother has been placed and they have NOT. Are they scared, sad, angry, confused? Are they putting on brave faces and blinking back tears and choking on the worst news of the year too? Oh, their sweet little hearts. The jealousy, the fear, the worthlessness, the insecurity, the LOSS. Each feeling I know well....

And then I saw it.

Just for a moment, just a glimpse and a blurry glimpse at that, but still, there it was. The story. The story that's being woven into and through the lives of these children, the story that's been woven into and through our lives and the connection between the two. It's messy and broken and like the back of a tapestry as it's being woven, it doesn't make sense. But to judge each chapter on it's own, isolated and removed from the context of the entire story is enough to infuriate you; so you slam the cover closed and using your best wind-up, launch it across the room and into the wall, never to pick up again.

(Like that moment in the Neverending Story when Atreyu loses Artax, his beloved white stallion to the Swamp of Sadness. Every 80's baby remembers that one. And I would bet that if it had been a book and not a movie, there would have been a significant 'book smashing' movement across America then.)

But then you realize it's not your book. You didn't write it and you don't own it. It's merely been lent to you. So, you mutter curses against the author under your breath as you take the walk of shame across the room to pick it up, smooth the pages and bite your lip as the tension between crushing sadness and potential gladness wages war on your will. Should I read on? I cannot. It's simply too painful. But two little words answer that question for most of us. WHAT IF? What if I just don't understand because I don't have all of the information? What if tomorrow everything changes but I miss it because I'm scared? What if there is good news right around the corner, on the next page? WHAT IF there are three little girls who need a daddy's attention as much as a mommy's in a castle all their own so that they can heal and grow and one day be able to accomplish God's purposes for them? And WHAT IF there is one little boy who needs to be the PRINCE of his new parents hearts, in a kingdom all his own to heal and grow so that one day he can accomplish God's purposes for him? We all know how that battle ends because we were created for the hope that every new chapter offers; like a tiny seed planted in the secret places in our hearts, we believe the unbelievable, see past the unthinkable and dream for the happy endings that we KNOW must be there, even if the space in between is so sad that you feel like drowning. So we read on.

And instead of hurling insults at the author of the story, the creator of this unfinished masterpeice, I think I'll choose the high road and take Julia Robert's advice from Mona Lisa Smile.

" Do me a favor. Do yourself a favor. Stop talking and LOOK. You're not required to write a paper. You're not even required to LIKE it.....you ARE required to consider it."

So here I am. Attempting to consider all that I do not see and understand about this unfinished story and dreaming of a day when I get to meet a little boy who's heart and life I will love from afar as he excitedly becomes the missing peice of someone else's story.

Because the fact remains. There are still THREE.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aHCUoDf7KGA&feature=player_embedded

NOTE: Our adoption of the girls is still in the early stages of the process and though it's 99.9% certain we will be moving toward that end as we are the only family currently applying for their adoption, there are always hiccups and unforeseen obstacles. At this point there is nothing we can do but wait for more information. Thanks for your continued prayers and support!