The Harvest.

".....some other seed fell on good ground and began to grow. It grew taller and began to produce. Some plants made thirty times more, some sixty times more and some a hundred fold." Mark 4:1-9

I know all of you have that friend. The one who tries to assist you in explaining the unexplainable and connecting the dots. And timing for friends like this is irrelevant because if it was 'meant' to happen, there is obviously a good reason so they take a "let's just figure it out" kind of approach; the sooner the better in their minds. I, too, have a friend like this and I wouldn't trade her for the world. Is her timing always impeccable? At FIRST glance through the eyes of a freshly grieving woman, no, definitely not, but hindsight is 20/20 and I'm SO THANKFUL for the powerful (though seemingly inappropriate at the time) ways God has used her in my life and as a marker to guide us a little bit further into our adoption journey.

It was the Sunday following the loss of our baby girl and I got a text from said friend that a Christian orphanage had come to present at their church and the man presenting said they had JUST received an infant; a girl, that very weekend. In fact, I might be stretching it a bit here, but PROBABLY sometime the same day that I lost mine. WHAT DID IT ALL MEAN?! I lost my baby, here was a random baby; both girls, did I want more information? OF COURSE I wanted more information--ANYTHING to fill the gaping hole in my abdomen that led directly to my heart. I would have taken that baby girl in a heartbeat. Thankfully, God inserts a mandatory 'pause' button sometimes where we would employ no reason, self-control or wisdom because come to find out, that baby girl came with FOUR older brothers. NOW did I want more information? NOOOOOOOooooooooooo I certainly did not. That was all the 'more information' that I needed. Was I sad that there was a baby girl out there that needed a mommy? Yes, absolutely. Did I grieve for her losing her mommy like I lost my baby? Yes of course. Was it uncanny that I had ALWAYS wanted a crop of boys and then a tiny little princess? Hmmmm, yes it was. Did the thought cross my mind that overnight we could have our very own relay team and that THAT would be frightening but awesome? Hands down yes. But NO ONE in their right mind adopts five kids at once. NO ONE. But of course Andis and I and our families joked all weekend about the prospect. Well, maybe I joked and they all sheepishly laughed, knowing that my middle name changes from Kay to 'Insanity' from time to time and secretly wondering if they might need to check me in somewhere JUST IN CASE I got a wild hair. A geriatric dog is one thing, an insta-family including an infant bears a tad more discussion I would imagine.

And we needed time. We just lost a baby. We knew we WANTED to adopt but we were thinking more along the lines of ONE CHILD in the arena of 1-3 years old or 4 or 5 at the OLDEST. I mean when we said 'old' we didn't mean OLLLLLLDDDDD. And we certainly didn't mean a baby and four older brothers. Are you crazy? That's ridiculous. We couldn't possibly handle something like that. We are just two people, we've never even had kids, we wouldn't know the first thing to do, we couldn't afford it, where would we PUT them all?! Oh my gosh why am I even still THINKING about this, this is ridiculous. MOVING. ON. NOW. But even though I didn't know it until later, it was too late. The seed had been watered and was growing at a rapid pace.

A few weeks went by. Naturally, Andis and I continued to grieve; together and individually. Some days were harder than others. One particularly hard day when the anger had started to set in, I stomped into the kitchen and very pointedly informed Andis that God OWED me babies. See I have never been disillusioned by the fact that God's sovereignty is something against which I constantly struggle. I have had a rebellious, strong willed, disobedient heart since birth it seems and the 'maturity of adulthood' hasn't curbed it in the slightest. Following Him is a choice I have to make every day. It's not something that has come naturally for me, ever, and though I would love to think one day it will become easier, I'm just not sure. But until then I'll continue to choose to follow which I think is probably ok with Him actually. He DID create me afterall. So as an effect of my wily, tempestuous heart, it has always taken a certain amount of Godsmackdown to produce humility and dependence in me. Though not in the midst of it, most of the time I welcome the events, circumstances and occurences that produce these things because I LOOOOOVE the closeness to God that it brings and I know I can't produce that on my own. So we kind of have this unspoken charter between us; I rebel, he provides appropriate and timely smackdown, we get tight and then I start to wander again and so on and so forth. It works. Well, on THIS particular day I decided that it had stopped working.

"God OWES me babies." I said matter of factly. "I know He didn't cause this and it's not His WILL that we lose babies and I know that He USES these life circumstances to help me refine my spirit but seriously can't he do it with MULTIPLE BABIES rather than NO BABIES? I'm seriously DONE with the no babies thing." And just like that, without me even realizing what was coming out of my own mouth, I. Had. Asked. For it. And I'm sure he was sitting upstairs clapping and grinning like a mischievous school boy who had just pulled off the greatest prank of all. Because now, I could not blame him for my future troubles, no matter how overwhelming they be. I had asked for this. Clearly. Demonstratively. And with a witness present. Oh. Shoot.

"I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat is planted in the soil and dies, it remains alone. But its death will produce many new kernels--a plentiful harvest of new lives." John 12:24