Lasting Impressions.

I've been thinking a lot about this idea that what you put out on the internet you 'never get back' so to speak. How a photo, video, thought or comment can 'go viral' without you having to do much of anything more than hit that tiny little word, 'POST'. How in under 24 hours, you, what you said, what you did, what you took a photo of, what you 'posted' can make an impression on hundreds of thousands of people that you don't know from places you've never been, cultures you don't understand and backgrounds you could never comprehend.

I was thrilled to have a visit with a dear friend from my past yesterday. As we were driving around, having breakfast, laughing and talking about past, present and future and generally having a great time, she made reference to me 'cussing like a sailor'. It took me aback for a second because you see I USED to cuss like a sailor. I admit it. I did. For a long time actually, and it probably started, oh, around 3rd grade and ebbed and flowed in tsunami sized waves over the next 20 years. And though I'm not exempt from the rogue expletive flying out of my mouth from time to time in crisis, as a general rule I try to express myself in more creative, less personally offensive ways these days. So being the 'non-swearing like a sailor' person that I'm trying to be now, it was sobering to realize that how I am STILL known by this old friend, SEVEN years removed from a time when our paths were consistently crossing, is so contrary to who I think I am now. But those two Whitney's; the swearing like a sailor Whitney and the non swearing like a sailor Whitney are actually the very SAME person. I did not die and come back to life in a different body, with a different soul and different vocabulary habits. All of the choices that I have made, the things I have said and done, the ways in which I've acted, not acted, pretended to act, all culminating up to this point are who I am. Though many of us wish we could cut out chunks of our past and toss them to the sharks or borrow MIB's mind swipey things and erase everyone's memories of us then, we cannot. Despite the grace of Christ through the love and mercy of others that covers our many sins and allows us to continue to move forward, grow and change, we're still stuck with the impressions we've made on others from start to finish.

And the impact is sometimes, oftentimes, much deeper and more significant that we realize. The web defines 'going viral' as objects or phenomena that are able to replicate themselves or convert other objects into copies of themselves when these objects are exposed to them. This has become a common way to describe how thoughts, information and trends move into and through a human population.

Hmmmm. To replicate or convert upon exposure. That idea doesn't just apply to youtube videos on the internet. It applies to you and to me and to every single person and situation we encounter along the way.

I'm sure my dear old friend isn't bothered in the least by her memories of me being 'the ultimate sailor'  but what about the countless other impressions I've made; negative AND positive through the years that have literally left permanent (and maybe not so permanent when they should've) imprints on the hearts and lives of others? To what are those who cross my path being 'exposed' and more importantly, TO WHOM?

I really can't say I'm sad to see 2013 go, but let me tell you, it is a year I will NEVER forget. Nor do I want to despite the heartache it held. 2013 burrowed itself deep into my spirit and began a conversion in me that will not soon be shaken. This events of this year have been refining; breaking me down, chiseling away at the unimportant, the distractions and revealing the truest parts of me; in my character, in my purpose, in the vision I have of myself and the future..in every part of my life.

And I'm glad for it. Because as a goldsmith continues to purify gold until he can see his own reflection shining back from it, I know that my God and Creator sees a little more of Himself when looking into my face as an effect of this year.

"You now rejoice in this HOPE, even if it's necessary for you to be distressed for a short time by various trials. This is necessary so that your faith may be found genuine. Your faith is more valuable than gold, which will be destroyed even though it is itself tested by fire. Your genuine faith will result in praise, glory and honor for you when Jesus Christ is revealed. Although you've never seen him, you love him. Even though you don't see him now, you trust him and so rejoice with a glorious joy that is too much for words. You are receiving the goal of your faith; your salvation." 1 Peter 1: 6-9

So goodnight 2013. In a few short hours we lay you to rest, like so many others this year. And tomorrow we rise from the ashes and trade our mourning in for dancing. And ohhhh, 2014, I think we both know, there will be MUCH to dance about.

 

Satisfaction with Real Life > Obsession with Secret Life: MOVIE SPOILER ALERT

Last night Andis and I watched 'The Secret Life of Walter Mitty' and though it had some over the top bizarre day dreaming scenes and silly jokes, overall it made a pretty profound impact on me. Walter Mitty is dissatisfied with his life. His job, his dating life (or lack thereof), himself in general. So dissatisfied in fact that he often 'daydreams' himself into amazing adventures wherein he is naturally the brave, creative, risk taking hero. Whether he is jumping out of helicopters, skateboarding across Greenland or hiking the Himalayas, his dreams are a far cry from the reality of his boring, predictable white washed desk job of a life.

Even though I am 99.9% satisfied and in love with my life I found myself resonating with his restlessness. Who of us hasn't dreamt at one time or another of the vibrant, technicolor life that the unchartered waters of our future has provided? There was a time when I made a million plans to do a million things that all involved adventure, mystery, danger and intrigue. Moving to the Philippines to save AIDS infected abandoned babies in the mountains? Check. Quitting school to become a break dancer? Check. Joining an organization that found the sex trafficked child victims of stateside families? Moving to Mexico City to be a missionary? Becoming an advocate against the Japanese slaughter of dolphins? Biking across the entire U.S, hiking the Appalachian Trail? Check. Check. Check. Check and CHECK.

Which is why I and probably so many others were drawn to this movie. It reminds us. Stirs the adventurous streaks in our spirits. Allows us to revel in the dream of leaving the dishes and the day job behind and doing something crazy big. But there was a bigger lesson to be learned from witnessing the secret life of Walter Mitty.......

A while back I ran into a friend and noticed that she seemed a little down. I asked her what was wrong. She thought for a minute and replied that she 'just wished she were different'. You see, my friend is shy. If I were to guess, she's probably the shyest person I know. And she hates that. She wishes she were more social, more outgoing and talkative. I AM social, outgoing and talkative and I love it so I of course could relate. However, if being outgoing, social and talkative is a gift I've been given (my husband may venture to say it's a bit of a curse from time to time), then being a good listener is NOT a gift I've been given. But guess what?! There is something my shy friend is so good at, that she should probably get an award! LISTENING. She's an AMAZING listener. Hands down probably the best listener I've met! And I would know because I do A LOT of talking. So if being a good listener is a gift that she's been given, then wouldn't being shy, (which has helped her develop into being a good listener), ALSO be a gift that she's been given?

You see we suffer from a 'we can do ANYTHING' mentality. And the things we think we must do well have grown to an insurmountable capacity with social media and the disease of comparison fanning the flames of our feverish drive to do and be different than we are. I'm not saying that growth and horizon spanning, self stretching goals aren't healthy and even necessary, but figuring out what we're good at, and pursuing those things and figuring out what we will just never be good at and letting it go sometimes, seems like it might be worth a little of our time.

Which brings me back to Walter Mitty. More important than breaking out of our own status quo to climb mountains and have adventures is finding the mountains and seeking out the adventure in the lives we are now living. Because if it is truly the life we are meant to live, it's exactly where we should be. Even if it includes day jobs and dishes.

My Pa-Paw Baker said it best when he said, "If you ain't where you are, you ain't NOWHERE."

And then there were Three.

"Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but THEN we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but THEN I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely." 1 Corinthians 13:12

I feel like I've been hit by a MACK truck. Actually, no, that's not good enough. I feel like Mike Tyson has sucker punched me, bitten my ear off and then his pet robot warrior has picked me up and thrown me in FRONT of a MACK truck and after a few forwards and reverses over my crumpled, pancake flattened like body, I have been peeled off of the sidewalk and flicked into the Atlantic and now the below freezing waves are washing over my body and cementing this pain into my cells like memories.

Sam, the third piece of our four child puzzle, has been placed with an adoptive family. And it's not us.

If our caseworker wasn't so tiny and cute and lovable and amazing I might have tried to pitch her right out the door like an unwanted salesperson interrupting dinner, last night when she delivered this crushing blow. We KNEW this was a possibility. We did. But sometimes knowing a thing doesn't prevent the overwhelming pain of a thing. And of course, as we were putting on brave faces and blinking back tears and choking on the worst news of the month from across our kitchen table; the table that has the perfect amount of chairs for a family of SIX, not five; we asked the same questions as you are probably asking now.

WHY would they break up a sibling group when there is a couple who wants ALL OF THEM?!?! How could they DO THAT?! Who could possibly be better for him than US? What are their names and where do they live and how can I make them DISAPPEAR? And what about his sisters? What will they do without HIM? Oh. My. Gosh......his SISTERS.  How must they be feeling right now? Knowing that their brother has been placed and they have NOT. Are they scared, sad, angry, confused? Are they putting on brave faces and blinking back tears and choking on the worst news of the year too? Oh, their sweet little hearts. The jealousy, the fear, the worthlessness, the insecurity, the LOSS. Each feeling I know well....

And then I saw it.

Just for a moment, just a glimpse and a blurry glimpse at that, but still, there it was. The story. The story that's being woven into and through the lives of these children, the story that's been woven into and through our lives and the connection between the two. It's messy and broken and like the back of a tapestry as it's being woven, it doesn't make sense. But to judge each chapter on it's own, isolated and removed from the context of the entire story is enough to infuriate you; so you slam the cover closed and using your best wind-up, launch it across the room and into the wall, never to pick up again.

(Like that moment in the Neverending Story when Atreyu loses Artax, his beloved white stallion to the Swamp of Sadness. Every 80's baby remembers that one. And I would bet that if it had been a book and not a movie, there would have been a significant 'book smashing' movement across America then.)

But then you realize it's not your book. You didn't write it and you don't own it. It's merely been lent to you. So, you mutter curses against the author under your breath as you take the walk of shame across the room to pick it up, smooth the pages and bite your lip as the tension between crushing sadness and potential gladness wages war on your will. Should I read on? I cannot. It's simply too painful. But two little words answer that question for most of us. WHAT IF? What if I just don't understand because I don't have all of the information? What if tomorrow everything changes but I miss it because I'm scared? What if there is good news right around the corner, on the next page? WHAT IF there are three little girls who need a daddy's attention as much as a mommy's in a castle all their own so that they can heal and grow and one day be able to accomplish God's purposes for them? And WHAT IF there is one little boy who needs to be the PRINCE of his new parents hearts, in a kingdom all his own to heal and grow so that one day he can accomplish God's purposes for him? We all know how that battle ends because we were created for the hope that every new chapter offers; like a tiny seed planted in the secret places in our hearts, we believe the unbelievable, see past the unthinkable and dream for the happy endings that we KNOW must be there, even if the space in between is so sad that you feel like drowning. So we read on.

And instead of hurling insults at the author of the story, the creator of this unfinished masterpeice, I think I'll choose the high road and take Julia Robert's advice from Mona Lisa Smile.

" Do me a favor. Do yourself a favor. Stop talking and LOOK. You're not required to write a paper. You're not even required to LIKE it.....you ARE required to consider it."

So here I am. Attempting to consider all that I do not see and understand about this unfinished story and dreaming of a day when I get to meet a little boy who's heart and life I will love from afar as he excitedly becomes the missing peice of someone else's story.

Because the fact remains. There are still THREE.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aHCUoDf7KGA&feature=player_embedded

NOTE: Our adoption of the girls is still in the early stages of the process and though it's 99.9% certain we will be moving toward that end as we are the only family currently applying for their adoption, there are always hiccups and unforeseen obstacles. At this point there is nothing we can do but wait for more information. Thanks for your continued prayers and support!